talking about potatoes

"and then they will be salty, wrinkly and good. Just like me when I'm old."

"FYI, if our house is on fire it is not going to smell like Nicaraguan coffee!"

Jessica: You're such a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas cards.

Dave: You know what Scrooge had in the bank?! MONEY. You know what we have in the bank? Nothing!

"Take it easy greasy little buddy. That isn't the last cracker in the world."

In a sad voice

"Now that I'm done watching Frasier, I just don't want to watch anything anymore."

"Nobody likes to be stood up on a man date, Jessica."

"Euphoria, your name is spaghetti."

"A jar of pickles and a loaf of cheese bread. Dinner possible."

Completely out of the blue:

"What would Max do if he saw me in a giant gorilla costume? Just curious."

Jessica: Don't touch my leg, it's too hairy

Dave: Yikes! I didn't touch your leg. I think a cat crawled in here!

To Max:

"Mommy says no, but Daddy says yes when Mommy is not around..."

Dave: They worked at a lawyer business

Jessica: A law firm?

Dave: Yes, a law firm.

"I will consider tonight a great success if I don't shart"

To Max

"I know the toilet is exciting and mysterious, but I'm afraid you can't play with it."

Jessica: aren't the pickles going to make the bread soggy?

Dave: the pickles are going to make the bread.....AWESOME!

"Olive almost murdered me with one of her farts earlier"

"Eggplant is like a vegetable sponge."

"The Last of the Mohicans is my Ambien"

Dave: You don't even like Louis Armstrong

Jessica: WHAT?! Yes I do!

Dave: You don't like Louis like I like Louis

"Amazon is practically shoving music down our throats and I'm loving every minute of it!!"

Dave: Don't Dad's get a break?

Jessica: Mom's don't!

Dave: Yeah, Mom's have nap time.

Jessica: You think I sit around during nap time??

Dave: You price garage sale stuff. I'd kill to price garage sale stuff!!

"Work sucks. Home's a party!"

Jessica: You can't eat brussel sprouts

Dave: I can eat brussel sprouts, I'll just feel like death

Talking about my family:

"They didn't know you were going to marry Gandalf."

"Why isn't there a picture of Max on the fridge? But there IS a picture of me looking like Rasputin."

"You don't get less hairy with age"

"Max, come here and look me in the eyes. I have something very important to ask you......(singing) Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?"

To Max:

Jessica: Play with your dad's bellybutton, it's cavernous

Dave: I dare you to find the end.

" A new pair of jean shorts just makes you feel ALIVE!"

Jessica: We are in a fight

Dave: We sure are. You don't even know the tune to "Mmmbop" !

" I want to wear these jean shorts for the rest of my life. I want to die in these jean shorts."

"There are some things you can skimp on. Jimmy Dean sausage is not one of them. I feel like you could put that on my tombstone."

Everyone loves homemade caramels. You are with the terrorists if you don't.

To Max

"Please don't scratch my eyeballs out. I only have two."

" I'm a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll."

"Do you see this mustache?? I do what I want."

"I don't think you realize I'm not David Copperfield. I'm David Hilden"

"There's poop on my hand! There is POOP ON MY HAND!!"

Dave: Do you know what I feel like doing? Going on a run!

Jessica: April Fools?

Dave: Yeah

to max while changing his diaper:

"don't worry buddy, I like crapping my pants too. Don't tell your mom."

Jessica: That would be so cool! It's a reusable, eco friendly, snapping paper towel set.

Dave: It would be cool if they came up with a shorter name for it.

"ok, just give me a minute and I'll go get some salad for us. And by salad, I mean ice cream"

to max:

"just rest in the shadow of your mom's forgetfulness buddy. it's large.

Dave: I think that's when we watched Time Traveler's Wife, which was terrible

Jessica: It wasn't that bad

Dave: Yes it was

Jessica: Agree to disagree

Dave: Terrible. BUT if I had to choose between Time Traveler's Wife and watching New Moon again....I'd just poke my eyes out.

"our kid really is the phil collins of babies"

"sometimes you just need to party hard...even in the house of the Lord"

after seeing our christmas tree still lying by our garage because we missed the pick up date:

Jessica: Oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree, you will forever be in our alley

Dave: Oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree, we'll use you next year to save money

Dave: what?

Jessica: I said "uh huh"

Dave: No you didnt. You mumbled in a little mouse whisper.

As Christina Perri's "a thousand years" comes on the radio

"I am gollum and this song is my precious"

after having a kernel stuck in his tooth for a long time:

"Popcorn is a dangerous game....but I love to play it."

Jessica: I don't floss as much as I used to

Dave: Well, I never do so you have me beat

Jessica: You must not want to keep any of your teeth

Dave: Nah, dentures are better. You just toss them in a bowl at the end of the day. Nighty night Jessica!

"Everyone just needs to make up their minds! And by everyone, I mean you."

while driving:

Jessica: What is that in the road?!?

Dave: It's a wig. It's either a wig or a baby yedi, not sure which.

Dave: this should be a testament of my love, that I'm going to Ikea with you

Jessica: That's bologna. That should have nothing to do with it. It should be because you're human and you CAN. You CAN go to Ikea and it shouldn't be a big deal

Dave: I CAN do cocaine too, but I'm not going to volunteer to do that.

Dave: I picked up some Fisherman's Friend

Jessica: Oh good! What's that?

Dave: It's a super strong cough drop that works like a charm. It might as well be called Dave's Friend.