Max: I can't see!

Dave: Get used to it buddy. Moms have been blocking TV screens for thousands of years.

Max: This game is weird

Dave: You're a pizza delivery guy in space! What's weird about that?!

"You know when you wake up and you think God healed your eyes but then realize you just left your contacts in overnight? Been there."

Jessica: Can I have a bite of your taco?

Dave: I'll let you smell it. On my breath. After I eat it.

Dave to Jessica: "You know when the zookeeper goes to clean the lion cage and brings a steak to distract the lion? I brought those chips as your steak."

"Olive loves Cheetos more than most people love life."

Jessica: Eleanor is a very determined little girl.

Dave: Where is my personality in our kids?? My genes were killed in the womb by your determined ones!

"My stiff undershirts are tearing up my armpits. And nobody cares!!!"

"Our microwave is the worst. My hot breath works better than our microwave."

"The bags under my eyes are so big they could carry groceries!"

At 6 am:

I just set Max up with a donut and a movie. Because I'm a good parent.

Dave: Did you know you got whole wheat gold fish?

Jessica: Yes

Dave: Oh. I didn't think anyone did that on purpose. I thought they put them on the shelves to trick people.

To Max:

Never answer the door in your underwear

To Max:

How did your whole body get sticky??

"Is there anything in the world that tastes better than Pop Tarts?!?"

"Tom Hanks makes me so happy."

Jessica: Ewwww. You are stinky.

Dave: I burped. But it should be minty fresh, I just ate a thin mint.

Jessica: I need to consume far less bread and sugar.

Dave: Did you realize that at the bottom of the Ben and Jerry's container tonight?

Jessica: Yep

Dave: That's how some people find God.

To the dog

"Olive, you need to figure out your life! And sorry I poked you in the eye, that was a total accident."