"Everyone just needs to make up their minds! And by everyone, I mean you."

while driving:

Jessica: What is that in the road?!?

Dave: It's a wig. It's either a wig or a baby yedi, not sure which.

Dave: this should be a testament of my love, that I'm going to Ikea with you

Jessica: That's bologna. That should have nothing to do with it. It should be because you're human and you CAN. You CAN go to Ikea and it shouldn't be a big deal

Dave: I CAN do cocaine too, but I'm not going to volunteer to do that.

Dave: I picked up some Fisherman's Friend

Jessica: Oh good! What's that?

Dave: It's a super strong cough drop that works like a charm. It might as well be called Dave's Friend.

it's electric

Dave: THIS is what Olive has been chewing on

Jessica: NO!! The dryer ball!! We lost the green one, the red one is all chewed up and we have ZERO dryer sheets left.

Dave: NOOOOO!! Static prevails!

what a chore

Jessica: My mom said "can you believe he is going to be a big tall man someday?" And I was all, "don't tell me that!"

Dave: Yeah, well...he better help me rake

thoughts on babies

"Babies can really get away with things that humans can't"