"The places between my teeth are very scary. They are deep dark places where the devil lives."

talking about potatoes

"and then they will be salty, wrinkly and good. Just like me when I'm old."

"FYI, if our house is on fire it is not going to smell like Nicaraguan coffee!"

Jessica: You're such a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas cards.

Dave: You know what Scrooge had in the bank?! MONEY. You know what we have in the bank? Nothing!

"Take it easy greasy little buddy. That isn't the last cracker in the world."

In a sad voice

"Now that I'm done watching Frasier, I just don't want to watch anything anymore."

"Nobody likes to be stood up on a man date, Jessica."