"Don't crayons smell like butt sometimes? Four day old, unshowered butt."

"I can't wait to see Daniel Craig go all Home Alone on those guys again."

While driving

"I think we were just passed by a Volkswagen commercial."

"The places between my teeth are very scary. They are deep dark places where the devil lives."

talking about potatoes

"and then they will be salty, wrinkly and good. Just like me when I'm old."

"FYI, if our house is on fire it is not going to smell like Nicaraguan coffee!"

Jessica: You're such a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas cards.

Dave: You know what Scrooge had in the bank?! MONEY. You know what we have in the bank? Nothing!