To Jessica:

"He has a gift. A gift of nonsense......sometimes I think you have that gift."

After noticing a guy pushing a cart with just a single watermelon:

"Do you think that guy is going to grease up that watermelon and chase it around the yard?"

Jess: We are getting rid of that Quasimodo doll.

Dave: You just want to get rid of it because he's ugly. I think you are missing the whole point of that story.

"I had a cat once that ate puzzle pieces. To a puzzler, that is very annoying."

"I think you misunderstood me. I said I want ALL the tacos. I'm afraid what you heard was, I want a lot of tacos."

"My soap was in the women's section. Guys want to smell like cucumbers too!"

Jess:  Mommy needs Jesus

Dave:  Like Kathie Lee needs Regis, Mommy needs Jesus.