"Crocs are like sweatpants for your feet."

While playing Mario:

Max: Why did they take the princess?

Dave: She's the hottest thing in the land, dude! Have you seen the rest of the inhabitants? They're all mushrooms!

"Nothing like day drinking after blowing up a giant inflatable tube."

"One time I dreamed that I was eating a bowl of corn flakes. The corn flakes turned out to be my scab collection."

"I thought you were going to say, 'Is there lobster in heaven?' My answer would have been, 'DUH. The disciples were fisherman, Jessica!' "

To Jessica:

"He has a gift. A gift of nonsense......sometimes I think you have that gift."

After noticing a guy pushing a cart with just a single watermelon:

"Do you think that guy is going to grease up that watermelon and chase it around the yard?"