Max: Why are you going outside?

Dave: Because the neighbors NEED to see me in my pajama pants and crocs.

Jess: I thought you weren't going to get breakfast burritos anymore.

Dave: Every once in a while, love will find a way.

Dave: Jessica Biel. What is she up to these days?

Jess: Just being married to JT I guess.

Dave: It's a full time job, baby.

{Editor's note: This might not in fact be funny, but Dave thinks it is and of course Max thinks it's hilarious}

Dave's new lyrics to a classic song:

"The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, toot toot toot, toot toot toot. The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, alllllllll over town."

"Crocs are like sweatpants for your feet."

While playing Mario:

Max: Why did they take the princess?

Dave: She's the hottest thing in the land, dude! Have you seen the rest of the inhabitants? They're all mushrooms!

"Nothing like day drinking after blowing up a giant inflatable tube."