Deciding whether we should go out:

"I want you to know that just because I'm wearing pajama pants doesn't mean I'm not ready to party."

Dave and Max talking at the table:

Dave: Stinky daddy toots

Jessica: No toot talk at the table

A few minutes later....

Dave: ...the size of a turd

Jessica: No turd talk at the table

Dave: What CAN we talk about at the table?!

"I just saw a Papa John's guy and a Dominos guy leave the building at the same time. Obviously they were going outside to fight."

Max: Why are you going outside?

Dave: Because the neighbors NEED to see me in my pajama pants and crocs.

Jess: I thought you weren't going to get breakfast burritos anymore.

Dave: Every once in a while, love will find a way.

Dave: Jessica Biel. What is she up to these days?

Jess: Just being married to JT I guess.

Dave: It's a full time job, baby.

{Editor's note: This might not in fact be funny, but Dave thinks it is and of course Max thinks it's hilarious}

Dave's new lyrics to a classic song:

"The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, toot toot toot, toot toot toot. The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, alllllllll over town."