two fer

Dave: now that kellie is moving out you said I could get a fish tank!
Jessica: yeah, well now you are getting a baby, so....
Dave: BONUS! I get BOTH!

there's a time to wait

While waiting for an elevator for a LONG time

Jessica: seriously, what is taking so long?
Dave: that's why this bench is here. I'm surprised there isn't a skeleton sitting here with a sign that says "wake me when the elevator gets here..." poor old soul. Didn't even have a chance....

#1 movie of all time

"number one movie of the summer.....Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Doi. I already had the ape tattooed on my back so that movie better not suck"

all thumbs

Jessica: What has he been doing??
Dave: sitting on his thumbs I guess
Jessica:.....sitting on his thumbs? Is that a thing?
Dave: yeah, sitting on your thumbs. It's a cross between twiddling your thumbs and sitting on your butt. Look it up.

soaper man

Jessica: why don't you just use the body wash that's in the shower?

Dave: I don't have anything to put it on

Jessica: Just lather it up with your hands. What do you put your bar of soap on?

Dave: My body! I just rub it all over my body (complete with actions)

Jessica: ........

Dave: I cant be the only one who does that. Then I just throw the bar of soap into the air and it lands perfectly back in the dish. I'm like a super hero in there!

keep it secret, keep it safe

Dave: I still have that gift card burning a hole in my wallet

Jessica: Whoa, this is the longest you have ever held on to a gift card without spending it

Dave: I know, I've started calling it, "my precious"

snow day protest

While looking around the neighborhood

" I AM the only one who didn't shovel. I thought everyone was revolting. I thought it was like a senior skip day..."