Jess:  Mommy needs Jesus

Dave:  Like Kathie Lee needs Regis, Mommy needs Jesus.

"I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball!"

While changing a diaper:

Max:  What doing daddy?

Dave:  Trying to survive!

Jess:  I did all kinds of cultural stuff in college

Dave:  Me too

Jess:  Like going to the Hopkins cheap theater?

Dave:  Yeah! And learning the history of NBA Jam!

"I wish Kelsey Grammer would narrate my life."

As we were watching someone get pulled over:

"Ask not for whom the lights blink. The lights blink for thee."

"Our founding fathers were babies!"