Jessica: Eleanor is a very determined little girl.

Dave: Where is my personality in our kids?? My genes were killed in the womb by your determined ones!

"My stiff undershirts are tearing up my armpits. And nobody cares!!!"

"Our microwave is the worst. My hot breath works better than our microwave."

"The bags under my eyes are so big they could carry groceries!"

At 6 am:

I just set Max up with a donut and a movie. Because I'm a good parent.

Dave: Did you know you got whole wheat gold fish?

Jessica: Yes

Dave: Oh. I didn't think anyone did that on purpose. I thought they put them on the shelves to trick people.

To Max:

Never answer the door in your underwear