Monday, October 3, 2016

Max: I can't see!

Dave: Get used to it buddy. Moms have been blocking TV screens for thousands of years.
Max: This game is weird

Dave: You're a pizza delivery guy in space! What's weird about that?!
"You know when you wake up and you think God healed your eyes but then realize you just left your contacts in overnight? Been there."
Jessica: Can I have a bite of your taco?

Dave: I'll let you smell it. On my breath. After I eat it.

Dave to Jessica: "You know when the zookeeper goes to clean the lion cage and brings a steak to distract the lion? I brought those chips as your steak."
"Olive loves Cheetos more than most people love life."

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Jessica: Eleanor is a very determined little girl.

Dave: Where is my personality in our kids?? My genes were killed in the womb by your determined ones!