two fer

Dave: now that kellie is moving out you said I could get a fish tank!
Jessica: yeah, well now you are getting a baby, so....
Dave: BONUS! I get BOTH!

there's a time to wait

While waiting for an elevator for a LONG time

Jessica: seriously, what is taking so long?
Dave: that's why this bench is here. I'm surprised there isn't a skeleton sitting here with a sign that says "wake me when the elevator gets here..." poor old soul. Didn't even have a chance....

#1 movie of all time

"number one movie of the summer.....Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Doi. I already had the ape tattooed on my back so that movie better not suck"

all thumbs

Jessica: What has he been doing??
Dave: sitting on his thumbs I guess
Jessica:.....sitting on his thumbs? Is that a thing?
Dave: yeah, sitting on your thumbs. It's a cross between twiddling your thumbs and sitting on your butt. Look it up.