Dave: what?

Jessica: I said "uh huh"

Dave: No you didnt. You mumbled in a little mouse whisper.

As Christina Perri's "a thousand years" comes on the radio

"I am gollum and this song is my precious"

after having a kernel stuck in his tooth for a long time:

"Popcorn is a dangerous game....but I love to play it."

Jessica: I don't floss as much as I used to

Dave: Well, I never do so you have me beat

Jessica: You must not want to keep any of your teeth

Dave: Nah, dentures are better. You just toss them in a bowl at the end of the day. Nighty night Jessica!

"Everyone just needs to make up their minds! And by everyone, I mean you."

while driving:

Jessica: What is that in the road?!?

Dave: It's a wig. It's either a wig or a baby yedi, not sure which.

Dave: this should be a testament of my love, that I'm going to Ikea with you

Jessica: That's bologna. That should have nothing to do with it. It should be because you're human and you CAN. You CAN go to Ikea and it shouldn't be a big deal

Dave: I CAN do cocaine too, but I'm not going to volunteer to do that.

Dave: I picked up some Fisherman's Friend

Jessica: Oh good! What's that?

Dave: It's a super strong cough drop that works like a charm. It might as well be called Dave's Friend.