"Do you see this mustache?? I do what I want."

"I don't think you realize I'm not David Copperfield. I'm David Hilden"

"There's poop on my hand! There is POOP ON MY HAND!!"

Dave: Do you know what I feel like doing? Going on a run!

Jessica: April Fools?

Dave: Yeah

to max while changing his diaper:

"don't worry buddy, I like crapping my pants too. Don't tell your mom."