"John Leguizamo is my vibe."

Deciding whether we should go out:

"I want you to know that just because I'm wearing pajama pants doesn't mean I'm not ready to party."

Dave and Max talking at the table:

Dave: Stinky daddy toots

Jessica: No toot talk at the table

A few minutes later....

Dave: ...the size of a turd

Jessica: No turd talk at the table

Dave: What CAN we talk about at the table?!

"I just saw a Papa John's guy and a Dominos guy leave the building at the same time. Obviously they were going outside to fight."

Max: Why are you going outside?

Dave: Because the neighbors NEED to see me in my pajama pants and crocs.

Jess: I thought you weren't going to get breakfast burritos anymore.

Dave: Every once in a while, love will find a way.

Dave: Jessica Biel. What is she up to these days?

Jess: Just being married to JT I guess.

Dave: It's a full time job, baby.

{Editor's note: This might not in fact be funny, but Dave thinks it is and of course Max thinks it's hilarious}

Dave's new lyrics to a classic song:

"The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, toot toot toot, toot toot toot. The butts on the bus go toot toot toot, alllllllll over town."

"Crocs are like sweatpants for your feet."

While playing Mario:

Max: Why did they take the princess?

Dave: She's the hottest thing in the land, dude! Have you seen the rest of the inhabitants? They're all mushrooms!

"Nothing like day drinking after blowing up a giant inflatable tube."

"One time I dreamed that I was eating a bowl of corn flakes. The corn flakes turned out to be my scab collection."

"I thought you were going to say, 'Is there lobster in heaven?' My answer would have been, 'DUH. The disciples were fisherman, Jessica!' "

To Jessica:

"He has a gift. A gift of nonsense......sometimes I think you have that gift."

After noticing a guy pushing a cart with just a single watermelon:

"Do you think that guy is going to grease up that watermelon and chase it around the yard?"

Jess: We are getting rid of that Quasimodo doll.

Dave: You just want to get rid of it because he's ugly. I think you are missing the whole point of that story.

"I had a cat once that ate puzzle pieces. To a puzzler, that is very annoying."

"I think you misunderstood me. I said I want ALL the tacos. I'm afraid what you heard was, I want a lot of tacos."

"My soap was in the women's section. Guys want to smell like cucumbers too!"

Jess:  Mommy needs Jesus

Dave:  Like Kathie Lee needs Regis, Mommy needs Jesus.

"I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball!"

While changing a diaper:

Max:  What doing daddy?

Dave:  Trying to survive!

Jess:  I did all kinds of cultural stuff in college

Dave:  Me too

Jess:  Like going to the Hopkins cheap theater?

Dave:  Yeah! And learning the history of NBA Jam!

"I wish Kelsey Grammer would narrate my life."

As we were watching someone get pulled over:

"Ask not for whom the lights blink. The lights blink for thee."

"Our founding fathers were babies!"

"Oh, scone.....you are just a less tasty muffin."

"Why are your arms out like that? Are your muscles too big and you can't put your arms down? .......been there."

Talking to Max:

"We are not supposed to shout 'butts' at the dinner table. We can shout 'butts' later."