At 6 am:

I just set Max up with a donut and a movie. Because I'm a good parent.

Dave: Did you know you got whole wheat gold fish?

Jessica: Yes

Dave: Oh. I didn't think anyone did that on purpose. I thought they put them on the shelves to trick people.

To Max:

Never answer the door in your underwear

To Max:

How did your whole body get sticky??

"Is there anything in the world that tastes better than Pop Tarts?!?"

"Tom Hanks makes me so happy."

Jessica: Ewwww. You are stinky.

Dave: I burped. But it should be minty fresh, I just ate a thin mint.

Jessica: I need to consume far less bread and sugar.

Dave: Did you realize that at the bottom of the Ben and Jerry's container tonight?

Jessica: Yep

Dave: That's how some people find God.

To the dog

"Olive, you need to figure out your life! And sorry I poked you in the eye, that was a total accident."

While looking for music

"What's a good song to play while you're wiping your kid's butt? Tough decisions to make here."

"I would dance on hot coals if it meant a good poop afterwards."

" Iron Man is no match for a crabby mommy."

Dave: I like those old Victorian houses

Jessica: To live in? Tiny rooms......

Dave: Lots of ghosts.....