"I don't think you realize I'm not David Copperfield. I'm David Hilden"

"There's poop on my hand! There is POOP ON MY HAND!!"

Dave: Do you know what I feel like doing? Going on a run!

Jessica: April Fools?

Dave: Yeah

to max while changing his diaper:

"don't worry buddy, I like crapping my pants too. Don't tell your mom."

Jessica: That would be so cool! It's a reusable, eco friendly, snapping paper towel set.

Dave: It would be cool if they came up with a shorter name for it.

"ok, just give me a minute and I'll go get some salad for us. And by salad, I mean ice cream"

to max:

"just rest in the shadow of your mom's forgetfulness buddy. it's large.