game on

Dave: Guess what flavor Doritos they have in Idaho

Jessica: Potato?

Dave: No, it's a staple we have around here

Jessica: Beets?........Pickles?

Dave: Pickle Doritos?? Jessica.....get your head in the game!!

birthday wish

Dave: Oh and I need to get some more coffee today

Jessica: Rustica coffee??

Dave: Oh man, I wish! That's like gift coffee

A bit later

Jessica: What do you want to do for your birthday this year?

Dave: I dont know....dunk my head in a vat of Rustica coffee...

blubber

"I really need a bar of soap. I'm tired of squirting body wash in my hand and trying to lather up. I feel like I've been half getting clean for like a week.......I'm ready to make a bar out of my own fat"

crap that dave sings

to the tune of "Billie Jean"

"Jimmy Dean is not my lover. He just makes sausages that I eat all the time. There's a food baby on the way...."

because kids are....aliens?

Jessica: kids drink free at Caribou today!

Dave: What about people?

Jessica: (laughing) No, people have to pay

Dave: DANG!

instead of a bathroom, it's a pile of garbage

Dave: are we on a standoff to see who will take out the bathroom trash?

Jessica: oops! no, I was going to take it out after I vacuumed and I forgot.

Dave: oh, I see we have just started using the floor as the trash bin, so as soon as that fills up, I'm sure one of us will take care of it....

umm....thanks?

Misquoting a Weird Al song:

"Jessica, I have to tell you something. You make the sunrise look like a big shining turd.....because you are so beautiful."