it's electric

Dave: THIS is what Olive has been chewing on

Jessica: NO!! The dryer ball!! We lost the green one, the red one is all chewed up and we have ZERO dryer sheets left.

Dave: NOOOOO!! Static prevails!

what a chore

Jessica: My mom said "can you believe he is going to be a big tall man someday?" And I was all, "don't tell me that!"

Dave: Yeah, well...he better help me rake

thoughts on babies

"Babies can really get away with things that humans can't"

losing it

While half asleep, hearing Max having a hard time nursing

"Why don't you just put some pizza in a blender for him?"

thankfully he was talking to the dog

"wanna lick the sea salt out of my beard?"

the stinky truth

Dave: You smell good

Jessica: Really? I haven't even showered yet today

Dave: Well, you smell like soup. And I'm hungry.

word to the wise

"You don't achieve world domination without getting some stains on your pants"

pre-order

Jessica: I'm going to send you an email with my birthday wish list and then you can pass it along to whoever needs an idea ok?

Dave: Ok, but I already pre-ordered your gift because it doesn't come out until Oct 25th.

Jessica: You did?! What is it??

Dave: Captain America: The First Avenger.................you're welcome.

sit. stay.

Dave: You need to slow your roll. You are supposed to be sitting around eating bon bons.

Jessica: What are bon bons exactly?

Dave: I don't know, but when you figure out what they are, sit around and eat them!

to throw or not to throw

Jessica: This pineapple is rotten I think. What do you think? Should I just throw it away?? I dont feel good about that

Dave: Just throw it. What if you dropped an egg on the ground, would you feel bad throwing it away?

Jessica: An egg is not the same thing as a pineapple!!

Dave: I'm pretty sure we can get another one. A pineapple is not a precious resource!

super chill

Dave: You need to calm down

Jessica: YOU need to calm down

Dave: Oh, I'm calm. I'm so calm you can just call me the Rainbow knock off soda "super chill"

magically delicious

While on vacation...

Dave: Let's get matching tattoos!

Jessica: Totally. What should we get?

Dave: Let's get the Lucky Charm marshmallows going around our arm. That way we'll have stars, moons, hearts, clovers, and horseshoes. We'll have everything pretty much covered!

vocab test

Dave: Did you see that guy?

Jessica: No, which one?

Dave: the guy pushing the .....what's it called....the baby wheel chair. Oh. STROLLER!

and the cheese stands alone

on our phones, trying to find each other in the grocery store

Dave: Where are you??

Jessica: By the cheese

Dave: Ok, dont move. I'm on my way.

Still on the phone....

Dave: you are NOT by the cheese. I'M by the cheese!!

Jessica: what are you talking about?! I'm standing right next to the cheese.

Dave: WHICH CHEESE??

Jessica: The cheese counter

Dave: Cheeses of Nazareth! I'll be right over....

corn mob

After standing in a mob of people trying to get corn at the State Fair

Jessica: Oh my word! I'm surprised you made it out alive

Dave: It was a dark place in there Jess. I did and said things I'm not proud of, and will never be spoken of again.

painters tape

While Dave is taking tape off the basement ceiling

Jessica: Oh, there's tape still on the dining room ceiling from our reunion!

Dave: Hmm.....just paint over it.

things heard around the house

"sometimes I just need to chill and watch some Family Ties on my phone"


"Not everyone has been blessed with an outspoken wife...."


"cool guys call"

the toots

Jessica: Why would anyone want to just sit and watch you play video games? That sounds super boring.

Dave: Some guys like to do that

Jessica: I dont get it.

Dave: Can I be real honest with you? It's like watching a professional athlete in his element. I dont mean to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT.

bombs away

While driving...

Jessica: Whoa!

Dave: What?

Jessica: Check out that big helicopter!

Dave: Whoa, I've never seen one like that. I hope they don't bomb half price books. I like that store.

squatchy

Jessica: man, aren't you going to be sad when you get to heaven and realize there really was no such thing as Big Foot. Except there are no tears in heaven so you'll just be all "oh, ok"

Dave: No way! I'll be all "oh look, there's Big Foot laying down with the lion and the lamb!"


and later....


Laurie: Dave, keep your eyes peeled for Big Foot!

Dave: That's like telling me to breathe, Laurie.

reasons

Jessica: You're lucky I know my way around Maple Grove

Dave: I know! It's the second reason I married you. #1 reason: your smokin' hot bod. #2: your knowledge of Maple Grove. I always thought to myself 'man, we'll fly around that town!'

game on

Dave: Guess what flavor Doritos they have in Idaho

Jessica: Potato?

Dave: No, it's a staple we have around here

Jessica: Beets?........Pickles?

Dave: Pickle Doritos?? Jessica.....get your head in the game!!

birthday wish

Dave: Oh and I need to get some more coffee today

Jessica: Rustica coffee??

Dave: Oh man, I wish! That's like gift coffee

A bit later

Jessica: What do you want to do for your birthday this year?

Dave: I dont know....dunk my head in a vat of Rustica coffee...

blubber

"I really need a bar of soap. I'm tired of squirting body wash in my hand and trying to lather up. I feel like I've been half getting clean for like a week.......I'm ready to make a bar out of my own fat"

crap that dave sings

to the tune of "Billie Jean"

"Jimmy Dean is not my lover. He just makes sausages that I eat all the time. There's a food baby on the way...."

because kids are....aliens?

Jessica: kids drink free at Caribou today!

Dave: What about people?

Jessica: (laughing) No, people have to pay

Dave: DANG!

instead of a bathroom, it's a pile of garbage

Dave: are we on a standoff to see who will take out the bathroom trash?

Jessica: oops! no, I was going to take it out after I vacuumed and I forgot.

Dave: oh, I see we have just started using the floor as the trash bin, so as soon as that fills up, I'm sure one of us will take care of it....

umm....thanks?

Misquoting a Weird Al song:

"Jessica, I have to tell you something. You make the sunrise look like a big shining turd.....because you are so beautiful."

give me some space

Jessica: you have to give me some of the work bench when you clean it off, for my gardening stuff.

Dave: I'm not giving you any of it! Ok, you can have a quarter of it. Did I say a quarter? I meant a CORNER. You can have a corner.

a little later...

Dave: I'll give you some of the work bench if you give me some of that laundry table downstairs

Jessica: What are you going to put on that laundry table??

Dave: Lots of stuff

Jessica: Like what?

Dave: my kermit phone for starters. I'm going to come up with so much stuff to put on that table, it's going to blow your mind!

the dog days

While watching ALIAS

"Jack and Sloane back together again like old dogs. Speaking of old dogs, do yourself a favor and watch that movie. But only if you want to laugh really hard. It's up to you."

geography 101

While watching ALIAS

Jessica: Where are they right now? I missed it.

Dave: Shanghai Berlin

Jessica: Those are two cities, in completely different countries

Dave: Hmm.......agree to disagree

rsvp

Jessica: I thought it was funny that you responded "maybe" to a party that we are having at OUR HOUSE!

Dave: yeah, I have to change it to a yes though. The suspense is killing me!

Jessica: The suspense is killing YOU?

Dave: yeah. Am I going? Am I not going? I'm on pins and needles over here!

no rest for the weary

Dave: I'm so tired
Jessica: Maybe you shouldn't have stayed up so late playing vids with Jeff
Dave: Jess...we were fighting terrorists. Do you think Obama slept while looking for Osama Bin Laden?? NO! That's why he looks so haggard all the time.

hit the road

to Olive (the dog):

"Go fly your freak flag somewhere else!"

in case you didn't know...

"squirrel love is color blind, Jessica"

after dinner drink

"I'm going to start putting vodka in my H2O. But instead of H2O I'm going to call it H2 Uh-Oh"

between a rock and a gas can

"This gas can is the worst gas can in the history of gas cans!! I mean....a rock with a hole in it would be better than this gas can."

huh?

"in 1998, dump was king!"

wallpaper from hell

While stripping wallpaper

Jessica: this must be what Hell is like, except hotter
Dave: NO WAY! Phil Collins wouldn't be playing in Hell! He would be too busy serenading the angels...

well, in that case

Dave: there's a cop behind us. make sure you're going 30!
Jessica: he's turning
Dave: oh. ok, go 40 then

my bad

Dave: I'm sorry. I dont want to fight with you.
Jessica: I'm sorry too.
Dave: Oh and I'm sorry I wrote "kiss my butt" with lipstick on the bathroom mirror.......my bad.

two fer

Dave: now that kellie is moving out you said I could get a fish tank!
Jessica: yeah, well now you are getting a baby, so....
Dave: BONUS! I get BOTH!

there's a time to wait

While waiting for an elevator for a LONG time

Jessica: seriously, what is taking so long?
Dave: that's why this bench is here. I'm surprised there isn't a skeleton sitting here with a sign that says "wake me when the elevator gets here..." poor old soul. Didn't even have a chance....

#1 movie of all time

"number one movie of the summer.....Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Doi. I already had the ape tattooed on my back so that movie better not suck"

all thumbs

Jessica: What has he been doing??
Dave: sitting on his thumbs I guess
Jessica:.....sitting on his thumbs? Is that a thing?
Dave: yeah, sitting on your thumbs. It's a cross between twiddling your thumbs and sitting on your butt. Look it up.

soaper man

Jessica: why don't you just use the body wash that's in the shower?

Dave: I don't have anything to put it on

Jessica: Just lather it up with your hands. What do you put your bar of soap on?

Dave: My body! I just rub it all over my body (complete with actions)

Jessica: ........

Dave: I cant be the only one who does that. Then I just throw the bar of soap into the air and it lands perfectly back in the dish. I'm like a super hero in there!

keep it secret, keep it safe

Dave: I still have that gift card burning a hole in my wallet

Jessica: Whoa, this is the longest you have ever held on to a gift card without spending it

Dave: I know, I've started calling it, "my precious"

snow day protest

While looking around the neighborhood

" I AM the only one who didn't shovel. I thought everyone was revolting. I thought it was like a senior skip day..."

if smells could kill

Dave: Holy crap! Did you see how many "new car scent" things that guy had?

Jessica: gross. that would really bother me.

Dave:.....I'd be dead.

the diva has spoken

While playing Rockband

"this is our last song. diva dave is tired."

winning

Jeff: things never go bad if you freeze them. like disney.

Dave: yeah, him and tupac are all..."WINNING!"

farewell churros

Dave: I know what I'm going to give up for Lent.....churros.
Jessica:.....churros? As in, when you go to LA you will abstain from eating a churro?
Dave: Yea, and it's going to be HARD!
Jessica: uh huh. What should I give up? Sweets maybe?
Dave: All you need to do is come up with something that you think about every day. Like churros.

"dont they know you're supposed to have a first name?"

Dave: Classic Morrissey

Jessica: huh?

Dave: This is the Smiths, but the lead singer's name is Morrissey

Jessica: What's his other name? Is that his first or last name?

Dave: Picture Madonna. Dude version. Morrissey.

i saw the sign

Dave: What's with all the traffic?
Jessica: there's a stalled vehicle in the middle lane up there
Dave: Oh. Did you see it?
Jessica: No. The electronic traffic informational sign told me.
Dave. Oh. I never read those. It could say there is a giant fire ball in the middle lane. It could say there is a car-eating dinosaur up ahead and I would still be all "weird, what's up with the traffic?"

L seven weenie

Dave: this is why I don't go to the mall on a saturday. or ever.
Jessica: you don't go shopping at all. that is why you always need clothing items. you NEVER go shopping.
Dave: shopping is for squares!

dibs

Dave: I'm just taking a carry on so I'm going to need that small suitcase
Jessica: No way! I'm using that one.
Dave: Dibs
Jessica: You cant call dibs. I'm using it.
Dave: You obviously don't understand the rules of dibs.
Jessica: You obviously don't understand "ladies first"
Dave: OK, OK...ladies first. IF YOU CALL DIBS!

freebie

Sandra Bullock: And the Oscar goes to....Colin Firth
Dave: That was like the free space on a bingo board

always winter. never christmas

" I feel like the White Witch has been give reign over Minnesota or something."

full house

Jessica: This loaf is still a little doughy in the middle
Dave: No, I like it doughy. It's perfect. Doughy Gladstone.

boy wonder

Jessica: well, this dough is gone now. what kind of bread should I make next?
Dave: wonder
Jessica: ...wonder bread?
Dave: YEAH. that would be so GOOD!

the show about nothing

While trying to jog Jessica's memory on a certain episode:

Dave: You have a really hard time remembering, dont you?
Jessica: Dave....
Dave: I mean just with Seinfeld......AND LIFE!

paranoia

"Don't quote me on that. Literally."

captain obvious

Dave: the faster we drive the less time we'll spend on the road
Jessica: (gives dave a look that says "wow, that's obvious")
Dave: Oh. Apparently this is the John Madden of road trips

addicted

"you cant watch Seinfeld all day unless you start in the morning"

nerd talk

While listening to the avett brothers:

Dave: it sounds like they are saying lombas bread
Jessica: what is lombas bread?
Dave: its what the hobbits took to mordor
Jessica: .....oh of course

Dave then proceeds to sing the rest of the song with lyrics that inluded words such as gandolf, mordor and shire.

bigger fish to fry

While shopping for our cabin trip:

Dave: oh good, you found the fish sticks. Now we just have to get some mayo.
Jessica: (gives Dave a grossed out look)
Dave: why? What do you put on fish sticks?
Jessica: ketchup
Dave: (pauses)...that's messed up

a giant among us

While watching a movie at the cabin:

"If only i had a tiny, elf size blanket"
(Reaches for said tiny blanket)
"Oh wait...i do."

freak show

"Im living in a freak show. And I'm the star"